


And you really don't remember?

by MediumAquaMarinePresence



Series: In this house we don't fridge women [3]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Discussions of Suicide, Feelings, Gen, Mental Health Issues, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Reginald Hargreeves' A+ Parenting, discussions of child abuse, discussions of trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-20
Updated: 2019-10-20
Packaged: 2020-12-24 12:23:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21099416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MediumAquaMarinePresence/pseuds/MediumAquaMarinePresence
Summary: Eudora managed to convince Diego that talking about his thoughts and feelings and memories made things better. Now all he has to do is convince Klaus the same thing.Warnings will be expanded upon in AN.





	And you really don't remember?

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this just to expand upon the first part of the series, I wouldn't say it's "plot relevant" but I wanted to show Diego doing the work and Klaus doing the work to fix their relationship. The rest of the series is completely coherent without it, don't feel like missing out if the tags make you uncomfortable. 
> 
> Also the things discussed are not "objective" so much as how Diego and Klaus perceive / remember things. How they perceive the things their siblings do isn't necessarily the intent of the siblings. 
> 
> Tags expanded, contains spoilers:  
\- Diego and Klaus discuss near death experiences in the Academy  
\- Diego and Klaus discuss Ben's death in medium detail  
\- Diego and Klaus discuss moments of abuse (caning) and humiliation Diego received from Reginald  
\- Diego and Klaus discuss a rape that occurred to Klaus when he was a child (10), and the subsequent victim blaming Reginald put him through  
\- Klaus briefly mentions suicide attempts, details are not given as to method

Everyone was probably surprised it was Diego who was insisting they all talk to each other more. Allison had openly gaped at him when he’d proposed talking more, Five had scoffed, and Klaus had just seemed bewildered. Even Diego had to admit he was pretty shocked himself at all this. But he’d talked to Euroda, he’d opened up, and while it had been a little awkward and a little painful, in the end he’d felt overwhelming relief. Talking about it all, talking about what he’d gone through and how he felt about it and the way it affected him felt like ripping off a bandage: painful, but in the end positive. 

So when he picked Klaus up from the Academy that afternoon, he did so with the intent of finding a way to give his brother that same feeling. 

Klaus was difficult to pin down. He was talking all the time but never saying anything substantial, or at least, he never seemed to stay on one topic for too long. His conversation was as flighty as his lifestyle, if Diego thought he himself kept a hectic schedule living part time with Eudora, part time at the Academy, and part time at the gym, Klaus was worse: he never seemed to sleep in his bedroom, when he did sleep it was fitful naps at inappropriate times in increasingly ill advised places. But he was sober, that was what mattered, he was sober and Diego couldn’t be happier. He was sober and absolutely insane like how sobriety was for him, he talked to ghosts sometimes but yelled more often, he clapped his hands over his ears and muttered “shut up” like a mantra but he was sober. 

Sober and not opening up. 

That was why Diego had a plan to get his brother to talk: open bribery. He’d gotten some generic burger joint meals, that had Klaus happily hopping into the passenger’s seat when he picked him up. “Where are we going?” he asked, sticking his nose in the fast food bags. “I didn’t know you eat this crap.” 

“We’re going for a drive,” Diego told him. 

“Where to?” 

“Hey, those burgers are bribes, all right? You eat them, you gotta talk to me, ok?” Klaus shot Diego a look. 

“Wow, here I thought you were being nice.” 

“I am being nice.” 

“Whatever.” Diego glanced at Klaus, who stuck his tongue out playfully and jammed his hand in the bag. That was enough, Klaus didn’t hold grudges or get mad too often, he was happy to munch on fries as Diego drove them around, finally settling on a somewhat deserted side street, the kind you didn’t trust your windows to stay intact on if you left your car unattended. 

“I’ve been thinking,” Diego began, staring straight ahead as Klaus fished out his burger. 

“Uh-huh.” 

“There’s shit in Vanya’s book I don’t even remember. And there’s shit I remember differently, than. You know. How she did.” 

“It’s weird, right?” Klaus chatted. “There’s definitely some things I thought happened differently. That’s probably true of everything, though, everyone probably remembers things differently.” 

“Right.” Diego glanced at him, which was a mistake because Klaus was taking out the second burger and shoving it into Diego’s hands. “So what do you remember?” Klaus frowned, and Diego couldn’t tell if it was because of what he’d just said or the fact he wasn’t accepting the burger, so he took the food to see if that might narrow it down. 

“I don’t know,” Klaus said eventually, leaning his seat back. “I don’t remember a lot of stuff. Half the stuff in that book I have actually no memory of.” 

“But she didn’t make it up. She remembers it.” 

“Yeah, well, you do enough heroin you can forget you were ever thirteen.” 

“I believe you,” Diego snorted. “But come on, man, what do you remember?” Klaus was curling himself up, food discarded as he hugged his knees to his chest. 

“I remember,” he said slowly, “the make believe games we used to play.” That startled a laugh out of Diego. 

“No shit?” Klaus grinned at him. 

“Yeah, after Mom read us that picture book we played knights and dragons. Remember?” 

“Yeah! Yeah, Luther, Allison, and I were the knights.” 

“Ben and Vanya were always scholars,” Klaus continued. “I think by the time they were giving impassioned speeches about why the dragon was just misunderstood and we shouldn’t kill him, we were a little too old to be playing those games.” 

“Five was the dragon.” 

“Yeah! So of course the dragon could talk and call us all morons, right?” 

“Ha. Yeah.” Diego frowned. “Do you remember what you were?” 

“Oh, sure, I was the princess. All I did was nap on the stairs.” 

“No you didn’t,” Diego shot. “That’s not what I remember.” 

“That’s how I remember it.” 

“No, you were such a diva! You and Allison and Five were such drama queens. You were the ones who really drove the plot, not us.” Klaus frowned at his knees, letting his head fall forward and rest against them. 

“Are you sure?” he asked. “I just remember laying on the stairs.” They were silent for a long while. What was he supposed to say to that, anyway? How could Klaus so clearly remember what everyone was doing during their silly games but himself? 

“What about that other game we played?” Diego tried. “Huh? The jungle one?” 

“Oh yeah!” Klaus cried excitedly. “Yeah, Luther and Allison were rich siblings funding an exploration to the jungle to retrieve priceless artifacts. You-” he grinned, “were the harsh mercenary captain only concerned about a paycheck. Ben and Vanya were experts on the local people and the plants and animals. Five always had like, the secret to get into the ancient temple or tomb of whatever we were raiding. Oh- oh, remember! We always failed, we never got the artifact. You and Luther would always end up killing each other in a duel, and Allison would commit suicide out of grief. Man, that’s really where she got her acting start, those monologues were so _ long _! Ben and Vanya survived, though, remember? They always got inducted into the local tribes or went off to be with nature or some shit. And Five! Five always betrayed us. Remember? He’d set up those obstacle courses for us and watch us fail our way through the temple?” 

“You did that.” 

“What?” 

“The booby traps,” Diego continued, “you and Five did that. It wasn’t just Five.” 

“Really?” Klaus lowered his legs to lean back in his seat. “I don’t remember that.”

“I do.” Klaus swallowed and looked out the window. “Ok, so if that’s not what you remember, what do you remember you doing?” 

“I don’t know, watching, I guess?” 

“You didn’t watch. You were right there with us.” Klaus was silent for a little while, which wasn’t how this was supposed to go. Klaus was supposed to open up, he was supposed to share the bad memories and feel better. How had Eudora done it? “What about bad memories?” he tried. Klaus glanced over at him and rolled his eyes, closing himself off even more. 

“Duh,” he muttered. 

“What about when you played with dolls, huh?” Diego tried, grasping back to a couple minutes ago when he had Klaus chatting. “Barbies and shit?” That got Klaus excited, he sat up a little straighter. 

“With Allison and Vanya,” he answered. “Allison had two Barbies, so she let me borrow one. Man, what toys did we get? Those things _ sucked_.” 

“I had a racecar, Luther had a plane, you had a train but you destroyed that thing instantly,” Diego snickered, and Klaus chuckled as well. 

“That thing was so beat up by the time Mom finally threw it out,” he giggled. “I really wanted a Barbie but there was no way Dad was getting me that.” 

“Dad hit you,” Diego blurted out. “I saw it. He caught you playing dolls with the girls and he hit you right across the face.” 

“He did?” 

“Yeah.” 

“I mean, I probably wasn’t listening,” Klaus hedged, again turning his face to the window. “When I was really young I had a hard time telling if something was a ghost or not so I wasn’t very good at listening to the real world.” 

“Do you not remember that?” 

“I think I do, it just doesn’t stand out.” 

“How does it not stand out. We were four. I remember it,” Diego insisted. “I was standing in the hall when he did it, it… it scared me.” That got his brother’s attention, Klaus turned back to him with concern in his eyes. 

“It did?” 

“Yes, it did. The things that happened to you hurt me too, even if it wasn’t happening to me.” 

“I didn’t know.” Klaus always had such large, expressive eyes, when his face was filled with emotion Diego had a hard time looking at him. “It was the same for me, you know. When he hit you, that wasn’t easy for me.” 

“Right.” The silence that followed was tense, until Diego let out a little laugh. “Weird we had to say it, right?” Klaus laughed as well. 

“Yup. Not bad to hear it, though.” 

“Not bad,” Diego agreed. 

* * *

A couple of weeks passed before Diego managed to cajole Klaus back into his car for another burger and chat. It was raining, when he honked Klaus darted out of the house with his coat pulled over his head. “Mind if I smoke?” he asked, and Diego didn’t feel the need to respond, just snatched the cigarette from his mouth. 

“Not in my car,” he muttered. 

“Boo.” Klaus poked into the fast food bags. “We going to a back alley this time? Maybe we’ll witness a mugging!” 

“Or a murder.” Diego briefly clenched his jaw, it was a shitty coping mechanism but it helped the next words out of his mouth sound deliberate. “How’s your week been?” 

“Pretty good, can’t complain. NA has been kicking my ass, but better get my ass kicked by sobriety than addiction, right?” 

“Right,” Diego agreed, because he’d been seeing a therapist and so had everyone and it was agreed upon they should say supportive things to each other. Besides, Klaus was actually pursuing this sobriety shit more than he ever had, and Diego would do just about anything to keep that momentum. 

“What about you? Got any fights coming up?” 

“I actually started teaching more self-defense classes, giving pointers to the guys at the gym too, it’s about comparable money-wise.” 

“Still refusing Dad’s money?” 

“Til the day I die, baby.” Klaus laughed, a delighted little sound, and Diego found himself grinning along. He pulled up on a similar side street to last time, despite not getting what he had intended, it still felt like progress. It was burgers again, Diego wondered if that was going to get unhealthy soon, and Klaus was handing him his before he went to get his own. 

“How are things going with Eudora?” Klaus asked with his mouth full. 

“Good. We’re working things out, I think it’s gonna work. I’m feeling positively, at least.” Diego glanced at Klaus, he wasn’t sure what he would see, he was worried Klaus might be jealous or sad, but he wasn’t, he looked genuinely happy. It was weird, all the moments Klaus had to be bitter or upset or angry, he didn’t make that choice. Somehow he could choose to see the positive, and Diego wondered if that was something he could learn to do. 

“That’s nice, really. I’m glad for you.” 

“Thanks, man.” Diego wanted to ask about manifesting that guy, but that was a touchy subject. Dave. As far as Diego knew there was no luck conjuring him, but things could change, Klaus was growing more powerful by the day. But bringing it up would be dicey, Klaus was sober which meant bursting into tears at very odd moments under the best of circumstances. His dead lover was not the best of circumstances. “We don’t have to talk about growing up, if you don’t want to.” Klaus sighed heavily, as if a party were ending. 

“It’s not that I don’t want to,” he whined, “it’s just you don’t want to talk about what _ I _ want to talk about.” 

“I decided last time, why don’t you choose this time?” 

“I want to talk about Ben.” Diego felt his heart nearly stop. 

“Ben,” he repeated, just to have something to say at all in the face of that. Klaus nodded. He’d been letting his hair grow out, he’d stopped straightening it and his springy curls bounced with the motion of his head. 

“You never wanted to talk about it,” he said, sounding a little sad, a little disappointed. “You all just left me with it.” 

“I didn’t. You were just saying crazy shit about it.” 

“What, like I could see him?” Klaus snapped. “Fuck you! He died under my fucking hands and you couldn’t be bothered to even talk to me about it?” 

“What’s there to say?” Diego cried, feeling helpless. This was not what he expected. “We all thought you weren’t processing it, like you were in denial or- or hallucinating or something. You were kind of crazy back then, man.” He had been, he’d been crazy after he’d been shot the year before, he’d set fires and broken mirrors and windows and started fights over nothing. 

“Oh so this is my fault?” 

“That’s not what I said.” 

“Yeah it is. You guys only didn’t believe me about Ben because I couldn’t conjure Five, but turns out that wasn’t my fault, for _ fucking once_.” 

“I’m sorry, all right?” Diego practically shouted. “I’m sorry I couldn’t help you process all that shit but I couldn’t process it myself. You were out of control, we could barely talk to you, we didn’t know how to deal with what you were going through.” He wasn’t sure what part of his little spiel did it, but Klaus calmed down, taking a deep breath and letting it out on a sigh, leaning his head back in his seat. “I’m sorry,” Diego reiterated, thinking maybe that was the key. “I’m sorry, you were suffering and none of us could get over ourselves long enough to deal with it.” 

“It shouldn’t have been your responsibility,” Klaus murmured. “I mean, I can’t imagine any of that was easy to watch.” 

“That’s what it was always like. We were kids trying to take care of each other but none of us knew how.” 

“I wanna talk about it.” 

“Ok.” 

“When we talked last time you remembered so much more than me. I- I remember doing CPR, on Ben, in the car to the Academy, after he was shot, and they tried to make me stop when he got put on the gurney but I wouldn’t, not until he was in the infirmary.” 

“I remember,” Diego all but whispered. 

“Someone pulled me off him. He was dead by then and I was seeing him and in my mind it’s all confused, it’s- I remember it like his ghost pulled me off his body, but that’s not true, is it? He didn’t do that?” 

“No, that didn’t happen.” 

“Someone pulled me off his body in the infirmary. Who- who was it?” 

“Luther.” 

“Really?” 

“Yeah.” 

“But wasn’t he driving?” 

“He wasn’t driving. He was in the front seat with Allison, I was in the back with you, but we weren’t even driving. We were at the Academy already.” 

“Oh.” Klaus looked genuinely confused, like he really had no clue what was going on. “You weren’t there, though. You were holding Vanya, she was panicking. Luther and Allison were holding each other, and I went to Ben’s room. I tried to, I think? I put my hand on the door and someone yelled at me for getting blood all over the place. I mean- you wouldn’t know, would you, who did that?” Diego swallowed thickly. Ben’s death was stark in his mind, it was one of his clearest memories, it followed him even to his dreams. 

“I remember holding Vanya in her room,” he began. “I remember seeing Allison and Luther leave. I remember having blood on me, it was mine and the- the target’s. And Ben’s. Vanya didn’t mind, for once. I just remember sobbing in her room and holding her.” 

“So you don’t know who told me not to go to Ben’s room.” 

“No.” 

“Someone washed the blood off me,” Klaus continued, as if he had a checklist of questions, a checklist of these alarming gaps in his memory. “Someone put me in the bath and washed the blood off me. Do you remember who did that?” 

“I don’t. It wasn’t me or Vanya, it could’ve been anyone. Mom and Dad were with Ben, they didn’t stop until hours later.” 

“Pogo?” Klaus asked. “It- do you think it was Pogo?” 

“I don’t know.” Diego took a deep breath. “Klaus, do you remember when you got shot?”

“When we were sixteen?” 

“Yeah.” Of course Klaus remembered, he’d nearly died, he still bore the mass of scar tissue on his abdomen from it, whenever anyone talked about Klaus being shot it was that time. Not the ricocheted bullet he’d caught in his calf, not the graze on his arm, not the couple he’d taken to his shoulders. It was the gut wound that nearly killed him when they’d barely been old enough to drive. 

“You remember who was keeping your guts in your abdominal cavity all the way to the Academy?” 

“You.” 

“I know it’s not the same, ok, but… but I get it, ok? I get what it was like giving Ben CPR. When they took you away from me, when they kicked us out of the infirmary, none of us knew if you’d survive.” Klaus was staring at him with wide eyes. “And you talk about having nightmares about when Ben died, and- and I had nightmares too, I had nightmares about you dying.” 

“I didn’t know,” he said, sounding almost stunned. “I- I didn’t know that affected you like that.” There was a long moment of silence. “I’m sorry.” 

“No I’m sorry,” Diego cut in. “I’m sorry, all right? We- we were trying to help ourselves, we didn’t look out for each other.” 

“We didn’t look out for Ben,” Klaus sighed. “I- I tried for years to get him out of the house. I kept begging him, every time I could, to run away with me. Vanya put it in her book, too, the fight we had the night before the mission.” His lips trembled but he continued. “Every time I see him I think it should have been me.” 

“You?” Diego echoed. “I- Klaus, it shouldn’t- no. Every time you see him?” 

“Every time. And I know you all think it too, you wish it had been me who died.” 

“We don’t think that!” 

“At least Luther had the balls to say it to my face,” Klaus grumbled, shooting a glare at his brother. “The week of Ben’s funeral he told me you all expected me to die, and that he wished you’d been right. And he’s right, I agree with you, I should have died then you all would’ve been happier, you wouldn’t have had to deal with my shit all these years, Ben would be happy he wouldn’t have been _ tortured _ by spending time with me-”

“Stop!” Diego yelled, because he wasn’t sure Klaus even knew all this shit was coming out of his mouth. “Just- I don’t care if you believe this shit but stop, ok? Stop.” Klaus curled in on himself and looked out the window. “I- we all thought someone was going to get hurt, except Allison and Luther. They voted for the mission, remember? You and I were the only ones against it. You were against it, you tried to get him out of the house, you were the only one who tried to protect him.” Klaus was silent. “Please, Klaus, don’t blame yourself. I don’t want you to wish you were dead, and I definitely don’t want you to do it every time you see Ben.” Taking a risk, because Klaus was weird about physical contact, sometimes he craved it sometimes he feared it, Diego reached out to put a hand on his brother’s shoulder. 

“I feel so guilty though,” Klaus whispered. 

“I do too.” 

“How- how do you deal with it?” 

“I don’t think I do. I think I just punch things.” Klaus finally turned to him, tears in his eyes. “Klaus?” 

“What’s up?” 

“Klaus will you… w-will you go to therapy with me?” 

“Yeah,” he choked out, “yeah I think we need a lot of therapy.” 

* * *

When Diego picked Klaus up next he had gotten chicken sandwiches, it had to be healthier than burgers, and Klaus didn’t say a word about it as he began eating. Maybe he’d just eat anything, Diego could get them a veggie platter and he’d be just as happy. “I picked last time, you go ahead and pick this time,” Klaus told him, and it was one of those days when Diego felt ungenerously toward his kind smile. 

“What I don’t get,” Diego started, and he knew he sounded angry but he could never tell that by Klaus’s reaction, Klaus always just acted as if they were having a normal conversation when he raised his voice. “What I don’t get,” he repeated, getting louder as a tomato slice dropped from Klaus’s sandwich and he slurped it back up, “is how you like her book.” Klaus raised his eyebrows. 

“Who said I liked her book?” 

“You’re certainly nicer to her than someone who hated it.” 

“I didn’t like it.” 

“But it’s easier to forget about it, right, when it’s not your shit laid bare, huh?” Diego demanded. “Easy to forgive when it wasn’t you in the firing line?” 

“You definitely got it worse,” Klaus agreed, but Diego didn’t want to be agreed with. “That whole chapter about you getting your ass caned at the dinner table, boy, that was rough. Rough to be there and see it, rough to read about it.” 

“I’m still mad about it.” 

“Yeah, well, that’s you,” Klaus sighed. “She took what little vulnerability you ever gave her, turned it into her own tragedy, and waved it around for the world to see. So yeah, of course I’m upset.” 

“You don’t act like it.” 

“I cried plenty over that book, all right? What she did to you wasn’t fair. What Dad did to you wasn’t fair.” Diego shook his head. 

“She _ never _ got caned. That’s something she and Luther can bond over. I- whenever too many people are looking at me, it’s like it’s happening all over again. You know when you’re fucking someone, and their heels like, dig into the top of your ass? I can’t stand that. Like I’m back to being twelve and I’m bent over the breakfast table.” 

“That happens, with trauma. Let go of the steering wheel, man, you’re gonna break something.” 

“I can’t,” Diego growled. Why was it always like this? Klaus never stopped him from spiraling out of control, but Klaus was a doormat to him at the best of times. “Klaus, I- I can’t let this go.” 

“It’s not letting it go,” Klaus told him, voice suddenly gentle. “What Dad did to you was violating, and Vanya repeated that in her book. That shit hurts. What you’re doing is keeping the knife in your back. You don’t have to let go, but you gotta move past this, take the knife out. It’s for you, not her.” 

“It would be different, if she apologized. If she was even a little bit sorry.” 

“I don’t know what to tell you, man. Maybe if you explained it, she’d feel bad. Right now I think she just thinks you’re mad she called you an asshole in her book.” 

“But I am an asshole.” 

“You are.” 

“Why- she doesn’t even _ know _ it was wrong? You really think?” Klaus smirked at him. 

“Vanya’s an odd duck, and that’s coming from me. In her mind she exposed what bad people we and Dad were, but she didn’t make the connection. To make Dad look bad she had to tell everyone what horrible shit he put us through, because he didn’t treat her nearly as bad as he treated us, so the whole premise doesn’t even work because she unknowingly spent the entire book building sympathy for us. Then she’s all brand new and confused when people don’t like her or her book.” 

“I don’t care what people think,” Diego spat. “I mean, sure, my ex thought it was a good idea to call me and tell me all about how she was no longer surprised I didn’t want to try anal, so that was fun, but…” He shook his head, trying and failing to unclench his hands from the steering wheel. “But she- she betrayed me and she doesn’t even think it’s wrong? Doesn’t even get why we’re mad? You really think?” 

“Vanya’s one of those people, so convinced of her meekness, she can’t see the harm she causes. But also maybe you could stand to communicate with her about what she did?” 

“What do you even say to a person like that? Someone who needs you to sit down and draw them diagrams about how they- how she-” 

“Do it with your therapist.” 

“What?” Diego was completely stunned by the idea. “You can do that?” Klaus giggled. 

“Why not? Bring her along to therapy, get it all out in a safe space, who knows? It might change things. At the very least get a witness there, someone to referee the thing. You pay the lady, right? Make her earn her money.” Diego didn’t really realize his hands had unclenched from the steering wheel until they smacked onto his lap. Bring Vanya to therapy? 

“You think?” he said, voice sounding far away as he pondered the idea. 

“Sure. This forgiveness shit isn’t gonna happen on its own, you know, if you have stuff to work through then do it at therapy.” 

“Huh.” Diego hadn’t thought of Klaus as an equal for a very long time. He’d been a burden and a nuisance for more than half their lives. But this, he certainly had more experience with therapy, all his stints in rehab and NA and AA. “How’d you do it, huh? Why aren’t you as fucked up by it as me? She wrote about you getting caned too, you know.” 

“Not in as much detail. I’m a footnote, you’re the star of her little trauma porn. It wasn’t the same for me.” 

“That shit didn’t bother you, not the way it bothered the rest of us.” Klaus shrugged. 

“Vanya didn’t write about what really happened to me,” he explained, sounding almost tired. “None of you know the half of what I went through.” 

“Oh.” 

“That- that _ incident_, at the dinner table, that shit was raw. That shit was- that shit was traumatic for you, ok? Getting caned in front of your whole family? In front of _ Mom_? Diego that was awful. And the way she put it in the book, like how you didn’t want to look at her or accept her pity afterwards, like it was rejection- she couldn’t see past herself. Diego living that broke my heart, ok? And reading about it I cried.” 

“You did?” 

“Yes! Diego, what you went through was awful, ok? You were vulnerable. And she didn’t respect that, she should have picked a story that happened to her to illustrate how horrible Dad was.” 

“So you’re on my side?” Klaus rolled his eyes, but did so fondly. 

“It’s not about sides, Diego, but I agree with you. She hurt you and she could stand to take a little bit of accountability for it.” 

“Accountability. Right.” 

“I know you love her, Diego, ok? I get it. This shit is complicated.” Klaus glanced at him. “Do you… want a hug?” 

“Honestly? Kinda.” 

“Great, hop in the back seat.” It felt a bit embarrassing, to curl up in his brother’s arms in the back seat of his car, but the relief at the contact drowned it out. Klaus didn’t think he was weak when he had emotions that weren’t anger, he didn’t think he was a coward for wanting a hug. Maybe he knew a thing or two about forgiveness, seeing as how happy he was to spend time with Diego. Maybe he knew what he was talking about. 

* * *

Klaus was subdued when he slumped into Diego’s car next, subdued bordering on lethargic. It was something that happened, it looked like coming down from a high but it wasn’t. It was exhaustion from ghosts and withdrawal, it was giving up for a little bit because the world was a little too harsh of a place to be. “Do you wanna talk about it?” Diego asked. Klaus didn’t so much look at him as loll his head to the side. 

“About what?” 

“Whatever’s bothering you.” Klaus sighed, he wasn’t even looking at the food Diego had brought. That was a pretty good canary in the coal mine, Diego usually kept a bag of doritos around, just to offer them to see how depressed Klaus was on any given day. 

“It’s…” he waved a hand, “it’s… complicated. It’ll take too much to explain.” 

“Come on, we have all day. Try me.” Klaus shot him a dubious look. 

“I mean, I… you won’t believe me,” he said quietly. 

“Is this about… last time we talked, you said you had more memories than us. That we didn’t know what you went through. Is this about that?” 

“Yeah. Kinda, I guess, yeah.” 

“I know we haven’t been the best about believing things,” Diego tried, “but I want to do better.” 

“I don’t have any proof, though,” Klaus almost whined. 

“Proof? Five showed up looking like a kid, tells us the world is ending, and all he has to show for it is a glass eye and we all hopped on board. If we can do that, I’m sure I can believe whatever you wanna talk about.” Klaus looked at him with wide eyes, before turning his face to the window. 

“I was raped.” Diego wanted to be the person who was shocked at that, but he wasn’t. He knew the sort of life Klaus lived, he knew he’d traded sex for drugs, he knew he’d lived on the streets, he knew he’d been to prison. It wasn’t surprising, at least, but that didn’t make it easy to hear. 

“When?” 

“When we were kids.” 

“Kids?” 

“We were ten.” And that was surprising, like a punch to the gut, horrible enough to suck the breath out of his lungs. Ten? 

“Ten,” he repeated, throat dry. “Jesus. Fuck. Ten?” 

“Ten,” Klaus confirmed, voice dull. 

“Who was it?” Klaus was completely silent. “Was it Dad?” 

“No.” That was a relief, but Diego wouldn’t put it past the old bastard. 

“Who was it?” 

“I don’t know his name.” Don’t know his name, don’t know who he is? 

“Did this happen, like, on a mission? We- you- sneaking out, we just did it just the seven of us, at that age, right? You weren’t sneaking out to parties?” 

“It happened at home. In my room.” 

“The room you’re staying in now?” Klaus finally looked at him, a little confused. 

“Oh. Yeah, that’s the room. Maybe I should move.” 

“Yeah, I think you should move out,” Diego tried not to sound too sarcastic about it, because Klaus said some very basic shit that hit Diego like an epiphany, so he should be a little gentler about this. “You still haven’t told me who it was.” 

“You’re being nice to me and I- this is where shit gets _ real _ hard to believe.” 

“As hard to believe as the apocalypse?” 

“Harder to believe than I was seeing Ben for years,” Klaus snapped. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t- I didn’t mean that, I know I was high and I didn’t do a good job of trying to explain and I didn’t have any proof-” Proof, fuck. Diego didn’t know a hell of a lot about rape, but he knew enough to know evidence and proof and blame were all pretty charged. They had demanded proof of Ben, it was understandable Klaus had extrapolated the experience to this, but it was different. For Diego, at least, it was different. He wanted Klaus to know that. 

“You don’t need proof for this shit, Klaus,” he told him firmly, but trying to be soft. “Not with me, ok? Just tell me what you remember, that’s what’s important. If there’s something you’re confused about or don’t remember, that’s ok. Just talk to me, man.” Klaus took a deep, shuddering breath. 

“It was a ghost,” he whispered. “I- I didn’t mean to, honest, it was- it was an accident. I didn’t know I could do that, I didn’t even know I did anything until I made Ben physical recently. I thought the ghost did it by himself. It- it happened while I was asleep, honest I didn’t mean to.” 

“I know, you were a kid, of course you didn’t.” 

“Dad said- Dad indicated, he- he had this-” Klaus was spiraling, his anxiety making his breath come in quick bursts, the words just pouring out of his mouth. “Dad said I made it happen, that it was like- he called it “deviancy” but he called _ everything _ I did deviancy, like- like wearing eyeliner and liking boys and all of that was the same thing to him, so I guess if I’d been paying attention I would’ve understood what he was trying to say, but I didn’t get it. He had this idea that like, I did it on purpose? Like I wanted to masturbate or explore my sexuality and I called a ghost in to do it, and things just got out of hand. But that’s not what happened.” 

“I believe you,” Diego repeated. “Hey, I believe you. No way you meant any of it to happen.” 

“I didn’t mean to do it.” 

“You- it wasn’t your fault, ok? It- fuck.” A ghost. That must mean… “was this a ghost you- you knew?” 

“He’d been following me for a few years, and he followed me after, until… well. Until I got rid of the ghosts.” Klaus took a deep breath. “I don’t want to make excuses, because that’s not helpful to anyone, but… but he kept following me, he’d- he’d jerk off in front of me whenever he felt like it, he would say- say- just some awful things, and I was sick of hearing it. When I discovered drugs made the ghosts go away, I figured it was better than trying to kill myself again. A better way to just get away from it all.” 

“You were getting away from him,” Diego said, still a little stunned. “I mean, ghosts in general too, but him also. You didn’t want to see him.” Klaus nodded, staring down at his lap absolutely miserably. “Dad knew?” 

“Dad,” Klaus shot bitterly, “decided to lock me in a mausoleum to see if I could do it again.” 

“So let me get this straight,” Diego started, “Dad, knowing what happened when you made ghosts physical, locked you in a mausoleum?” 

“Yeah.” 

“How- how long?” 

“Oh, only over night.” Diego knew he should say something, but he just couldn’t quite summon up the words to wrap around the entire scope of all he’d just learned. So instead he held out his hand, lacing his fingers with Klaus’s, squeezing tight. Rape, suicide, abuse, ghosts, addiction- it felt too much, almost. If it was overwhelming to hear all of it, it must have been beyond horrifying to live, especially as a child. They were lucky Klaus was even alive. 

“Are you seeing the ghost now? The one who did that?” 

“Sometimes. I spend energy getting rid of him, and then Ben gets annoyed I don’t have any energy left to make him physical.”

“Are you talking to your therapist about any of this?” Diego asked. 

“I haven’t told anyone,” his brother replied. “I- you can’t tell anyone either, ok? Especially not Ben.” 

“Why?” Diego had been going into this sort of assuming Klaus had already told Ben. Knowing he was Klaus’s sole confidant was a little daunting. 

“He’ll- he’ll get mad at me, he’ll think I knew I could make ghosts physical and kept it from him. He’s already so mad at me, after all I’ve put him through, I can’t disappoint him like that.” 

“He won’t think that,” Diego told him. “He won’t, ok? You- you said it yourself, it only happened once, and you didn’t think you did anything. You didn’t keep your powers from him, ok? You didn’t do anything wrong.” Klaus looked confused and scared, his lips moved wordlessly as if he couldn’t comprehend what was happening. “You didn’t do anything wrong,” Diego insisted. 

“How do you know?” he asked, voice sounding so unsure. 

“You told me everything, ok? We both know everything now, and I say you didn’t do anything wrong.” Klaus didn’t look like he believed him, but he was quiet, just staring with his big doe eyes, looking young and scared. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair that it happened to him, it wasn’t fair how Dad responded, it wasn’t fair that he was still so confused and scared. Diego didn’t know what it was like to be raped, but he knew what it was like to be vulnerable and powerless and violated. When their father had made him drop his shorts and bend over the dinner table, had made him count out loud each smack of the cane on his ass, he had felt all three. He’d spent years learning not to blame himself or feel shame, and the blame had come and gone but the shame had not. 

When Diego had been upset about that particular incident, Klaus had been so much more comforting than he was sure he was being right now. He had to do something. 

“Klaus, do you want a hug?” he asked. 

“I- you wouldn’t mind?” 

“Get in the back seat.” Klaus complied, and it was a bit awkward, they’d never been allowed to really properly hug each other growing up, anything more than one arm was frowned upon, and the angle in the back seat of his car didn’t make it any better. But Klaus just folded himself up and melted into Diego’s chest, shivering slightly and clinging like a baby monkey to his mother. 

* * *

Eudora knew something was up, Diego could tell by how she hovered. He wasn’t sure if she knew she did it, but she found ways to remain at the periphery of his vision, to keep close but not crowding, to float nearby in case she was needed. It was something she did in place of interrogation, before reconciliation she was more likely to demand answers, to try and crack him open rather than open up on his own. 

In bed that night, when she went through the usual motions of initiating sex, he de-escalated and held her close, pressing his ear to her chest to listen to her heartbeat. “I love you,” he whispered to her in the dark as she stroked his hair. 

“I love you too,” she returned, just as softly. 

“Klaus and I talked today,” he started, because they’d done this before, he’d rehashed a lot of his conversations with Klaus with her. 

“Uh-huh.” 

“He opened up to me, about a lot of shit that happened when we were kids. It’s… it’s a lot. It was upsetting. Just…” He fell silent, he was still learning how to ask for things, but she was also learning to fill in the blanks. He was so so _ so _grateful she could read him and help him express himself. 

“What do you need, baby?” 

“Just hold me?” 

“Of course.” Her arms wrapped around his shoulders, her legs tangled with his, and he’d never felt safer than when she was loving him. Tomorrow he’d have to get down to business, he’d have to do some research into everything Klaus had told him about, especially about how it all might relate to addiction. There were probably testimonials out there by people who’d gone through something similar, people who’d found healing, and that would be a place to start, at least. But for the moment he was content to be held in the cradle of Eudora’s body, to take comfort in the love she gave him.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so so so much for reading! If you feel I missed anything in the tags please let me know! <3 <3 <3


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